the foundation room
the values and perspective that guide me through life
living as my most important source of authority
the goal is to trust myself
more than anyone else
to love myself unconditionally
to do things, think things
because they resonate with me,
not because
someone else told me to.
changing the rules
breaking the rules
living without a lot of them
remembering my worth, within
not relying
on the flattery of others
to feel safe as a human
in a world
that can expect so much
loving our differences
the very substance
of the experience of life
the way it feels
in the mind
in the body
the way we feel and think and respond
that set of energies
is so different
person to person
not a single one of us
sees the world
feels the world
the exact same way
as anyone else
each inner landscape
so beautifully unique
sculpted and shaped
by our individual experiences, feelings, relationships, thoughts
stirring ourselves
from homogenized engagement
is to feel these differences
within ourselves
and eventually
to recognize them in others
to be curious and excited
about how we might differ,
and even
disagree
in relationship
i am in relationship
with everything here
inside of me, and out
so i tend to those relationships
check in and take stock
being honest about the story
about the how and the why
and if i don’t align with them
i can make different choices
i can change that
for my present
and my future
but i must be honest.
this
is taking responsibility
honest choices
there are
a number of ways
that i could make a decision
plenty of fears, insecurities, doubts
that would love
to step up
and assume control
old patterns, old outcomes
desperate to drive.
the thing is
they’re only all bark
until i give them bite, by acting on them
i can choose instead
to let the way i feel guide me
to listen to the information
my body is signaling me
following those storylines
trusting in myself
being honest with myself
about what i want
what i actually want, in the moment
and being ok
if i don’t have an answer.
choices that honor
ambiguity, uncertainty
recognize
that it’s ok
to not know
those are some of my most fruitful choices
of all
detaching from the outcome
i have spent the better part
of the first 30 years
of my life
mistaking anticipation for anxiety
working myself up
into a state of emotional chaos and dread
channeling the adrenaline
that comes with waiting, with anticipating
into fear
focused
on the outcome
desperate
to organize the future
to have a plan
trying to cope with the pressure.
what is anticipation
when funneled
in another direction?
one of delight, surprise?
one of faith
trust in the story that is already
pouring through me
no need to manipulate
no need for blueprints
when i disengage from the fear
i begin to sense the next step
not in concrete action
but like the rhythm of a tale
we’re headed this way
and the outcome
will probably look differently than the way i pictured it
reminding me
that the outcome is but the end of the tale
if i focus too much on that page, i’ll miss the story completely
my should's and have to's
when i hear myself say
that i have to
or should
do something
i pause, i investigate
i ask
“is that really true?”
“where’s the should coming from?”
i can do
whatever i want to do
it’s not that “shoulds” and "have to's"
are bad
it’s that
these messages
are like strong currents
i can easily get swept up in
and before i dive in
i simply need pause, ask, and
be honest:
is this where i want to swim?