a wee book

Hi there,

It’s been a while, I hope this letter finds you well. I write today because I’ve lately heard a message resonating throughout my network: “I want to know myself better.”

As I’ve been musing on that, I’ve realized that most of the moments in which I feel anxious and hopeless actually stem from a forgetfulness, and a tendency to take on the traits and beliefs of others around me. In other words, when I feel down, it’s often because I’ve momentarily forgotten to be myself.

That forgetfulness has lasted for years in the past, dragging me down into doubt so deep it felt like I’d be stuck there forever. But lately, and echoed by my friends, my curiosity to know myself deeper burns too brightly to be ignored.

It feels as though the more I “know” and understand about myself, what I need in order to feel satisfied and at peace, the easier my life becomes. Or, at least, the easier it is to not take things personally, to receive what I need to be free, to make decisions that honor my happiness (rather than my insecurities).

🍃

Just a few realizations I’ve had about myself lately:

• I don’t do well with hypotheticals. I often need to be in a space, in an experience, to know how I feel about it.

• I usually need time to respond. And I take it!

• My energy ebbs and flows. My ability to translate thought to phrase, to do physical activity, to withstand the emotions of another - there is no set rhythm to this, and it’s up to me to honor that. To take space when I need it. To not feel like a failure when the words just won’t come. To accept unpredictability, to detach myself, to not link these fluctuations to my sense of self worth. And to care for myself, so I may live fully in each moment.

• It does not feel good to me to judge things, because I cannot see the totality and complexity of any given situation. That said, it feels very good to share alternative perspectives. I can recognize that everything here is of value in some way, even if I cannot name that value.

• I believe that we are each energetically unique, a precious embodiment of the INSANE magic of evolution and change. Recognizing that the fundamental mechanics that guide my perception, my movement through life, my thoughts and feelings are unique to me, and that my friends, neighbors, and strangers are also each unique, has freed me. Freed me from judgement. From needing to know. From needing to be like someone else.

What’s been really important to remember as I move through this experiment is to hold everything with a delicate balance of trust and detachment: I can easily work myself back into false truths, thinking I “know” myself completely - and believing that’ll never change. Of course it’ll change, that’s one of the best parts!

I've been learning/remembering these things my whole life, but they’ve become much clearer to me these past couple of years. During that time I've been talking out loud to myself a lot, having ridiculously long conversations with my friends and family about it all, and recording my thoughts as they pour through my brain and remind me that even when I forget, I can always remember.

I've been putting those thoughts together, into a space that I can return to when I forget. When I'm overly anxious and my nervous system has fritzed. I can come back to this wee book I’ve created whenever I need reminding of how life can be. Of how powerful I am. Of how simple it can be, even when life feels so complicated.

It’s an honor and a great joy to be able to share it with you. Thank you for being here, as I get to know myself better.

🍃

Keep an eye out for my next letter, take care, and as always...

...if you need me, come find me - I’ve gone gnomin’.

-katelyn