lightweight + deep

Hi there,

I know it’s been a little while, I hope this note finds you well.

I’m trying something a little different this time: if you prefer to listen to this letter, you can find a link to a Google recording here.

I have so much to share and it all wants to come pouring out of me at once. I’ve written quite a bit these last several weeks and I find it difficult to keep everything separate, as so many of these ideas are connected and it’s difficult to really find a starting or stopping point. It’s like a book is forming in my head, but not one chapter at a time - rather the sections keep jumping and shifting, flowing in and out of each other. Like they’re alive.

But right now I want to share something with you that I realized the other day.

It begins with an acknowledgement.

I’m a very mental being.

I’m more consistently up in my head than in my body, and I have to practice intentional exercises to center into my physical form.

I’m always thinking. My mind is always “working”. It’s pressurized, looping, always needing something to spin around and shape and question.

It wasn’t until I looked at my Human Design that I began to realize the depth and beauty of the relationship I have with my mind. I had always been rewarded for it in school, though I never really understood why. Now even that makes sense, as my chart suggests this is an unconscious relationship. Others would notice it perhaps more obviously than I would myself.

Human Design has helped me get to know this relationship with my mind, and over the last year I’ve been getting more and more used to the pressure. To the noise. To how it works up there.

🍃

Maybe I’ve made space in my life for this to happen, maybe I’m just now really paying attention. Because over this last year I have had huge, sudden thoughts and ideas come through. Ones that seem to have come from somewhere else. Ones that send shivers down my body, and tears down my face.

I’ve come to believe that these satori, and all the other thoughts that return to me over and over again, really do choose me.

I was thinking about that the other day, as I was sitting on the porch eating a bowl of oatmeal. I was thinking about these sudden thoughts. I was thinking about how I can open myself up even more to ease and success. And I suddenly realized that a large part of success for me is really, truly believing in myself.

Believing in the intention of this life. Believing that, yes, these thoughts that seem to drop in from out of nowhere do indeed choose me as the vehicle through which they enter the world. Believing that my fears and anxieties are messages speaking up for my benefit. Believing that what breaks my heart is not coincidental. Believing that, sometimes, my greatest gift is simply being curious about my world.

And when I believe in that intention, I believe there’s no such thing as failure. It’s all an experiment of expression, and none of it is wasted.

This is why I am here.

For these realizations to come suddenly into my mind, and to be invited to share them. For my innocent body to experience the delights and dramas this Earthly life bestows. To connect with others, to take in their energy and feel their experience via the electromagnetic waves they send me.

🍃

I’m like a lighthouse with its very roots in the depths of the sea.

The waves of others move against me, sometimes softly, sometimes crashing into me, and I sense what each and every one of them carries.

Sometimes I want to avoid the waves. Sometimes I want to be rid of the storm altogether.

Other times it feels more lightweight, like I’m floating, not so attached.

This is my body, and the body of the lighthouse.

At the top of the tower, the light is always on. It’s more removed from the reaches of the sea, yet still very much connected.

This is my mind. The pressure to make meaning of the waves lives here. The pressure to know the why, and the how, of the whole thing.

And when I’m least expecting it, a lightning bolt strikes - and a moment of satori arrives. In a flash, I understand.

The shock runs through my mouth and echoes like a great song over the water.

Perhaps a few waves do hear me, though I do not sing for their benefit.

For that song, the realization it carries, it chose me, an innocent body, not one built for action or persuasion or sacrifice.

I sing because that is the trajectory of the thought. I sing for me. The intention takes care of the rest. I just have to believe.

So, I guess, I’m a different kind of lighthouse.

One there not so much to save others, but to play in the ocean of this life.

To know what it is to be both lightweight and deep.

🍃

This was a big one for me - realizing that in order to feel success I need to believe in myself and everything I experience. In what comes naturally to me. In my joys and dreams and curiosities. They’re all there for a reason. They are the purpose of this life. I am my purpose in this life.

That’s all for now. Keep an eye out for my next letter, take care, and as always...

...if you need me, come find me - I’ve gone gnomin’.

katelyn